Service Snitch: Funeral Directors: The Morbid Truth

Site Information

Affiliates

Funeral Directors: The Morbid Truth

Many syndicates profit off of human suffering, such as therapists, pharmaceutical companies, and Haagen-Dazs. But profiting off of human death? That is the foreboding province of funeral directors. The death business is a remarkably lucrative industry, mostly because of the staggering 100% market penetration of death. Nothing may be certain except for death and taxes, but it's much easier to cheat on your taxes.

Funeral Directors know most people are unsettled by death, especially after someone close to them has passed away, and they will readily profit off of our vulnerability. The only way you can protect yourself from exploitation is to know how to defend yourself beforehand. In morbid detail, then, here's what to expect—and what to look out for—from funeral directors.

What It Costs

Today's average funeral costs $6,500. That figure includes not just the visitation and the ceremony, but the casket, vault, transportation, embalming, and any other expenses you may incur as well. Many of the fees may be covered by insurance, but you'll almost certainly have to field some of the costs yourself. This, of course, is just the average funeral; your own grief and guilt, ever-so-gently nudged by the unscrupulous funeral director, may impel you to spring for a deluxe package than can cost upwards of $15,000.

The most expensive item on the invoice is usually the casket. The average casket costs $2,000, but the funeral director may offer his "premium" selection of caskets at a price of $10,000 or more. Considering the fact that the casket will be spending all of eternity underground, some might feel that such a pricy box is unnecessary. Of course, no one wants to look cheap when paying a loved one's final expenses, even in front of a stranger, and funeral directors are all too aware of this.

The Funeral Director Says

"The most difficult time in your life is when a loved one passes away, and I can help you at that time. I will discuss all the services, packages, and plans I have to offer with you and your family and I will immediately disclose all respective prices. I will advise you on which options may best and most appropriately honor the memory of your loved one. No one can heal the wounds death inflicts upon the ones left behind, but I can help you bid your loved one farewell the way they would want you to and guide you and your family through the grieving process. I can't replace what you have lost, but I can give you the comfort, peace, and closure you need as your loved one is laid to rest."

The Snitch Says

"The funeral director will bundle premium services into his pricing plan and neglect to tell you that certain items are optional. He will similarly neglect to include less expensive caskets in his display. He'll fail to mention that you could save hundreds or even thousands of dollars by bypassing the middleman altogether and purchasing a casket directly from the manufacturer. He will not discuss simpler, more affordable alternatives like cremation, and will only admit that you could opt for such alternatives, 'if you're sure that's what you really want,' in a tone that suggests shame.

Funeral directors will play with your emotions in the name of profit at the time in your life when you're most susceptible to manipulation. Like members of any other trade, funeral directors cash in by tirelessly pushing extraneous add-ons. The funeral parlor analogue to 'Do you want fries with that?' is 'Do you want commemorative picture frames with that?' Unlike other businesses that offer additional services you can actually use, the only way the funeral director can hope to make extra money is by guilting you into blowing hundreds of dollars on frills, ornaments, and accessories - things you would never otherwise consider purchasing. Whether you're discussing the flowers, the transportation, or the burial vault, the funeral director will forever suggest you ought to give someone who was that special to you exactly what they deserve."

Protecting Yourself

After someone you love has passed away, one of the last things you'll want to do is travel from funeral home to funeral home in search of a bargain, especially when you have to choose one as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, as with any service that involves thousands and thousands of dollars, you must shop around if you don't want to get ripped off. This is especially true for funeral homes because funeral directors know you'll be inclined to just stick with the first place you come across. A funeral director could charge perhaps five times the true value of their services and easily get away with it, since half of all potential clients who so much as walk into their door are surefire marks.

Funeral homes are legally required to provide itemized pricing lists for all of their packages. Ask to see this immediately. If the director declines or even hesitates, walk away. Doing business with a funeral director who won't show you the price list is like doing business with a car salesman who refuses to tell you the warranty. The most trusted ally of the funeral director is convenience, but the industry is booming, and he's sure to have many competitors in your area. When examining the price list, make sure they are not bundling in optional items. If you're curious about a particular item in the package, don't be afraid to ask about it. Don't let the funeral director guilt you into thinking a particular expense is necessary if you think otherwise.

Funeral homes are also required to provide a price list of all the caskets they have to offer, but they might not have all the models on the list available on display—some of the less expensive options might be conspicuously absent. If the number of caskets on the list doesn't match the number of caskets on display, ask about the absent ones. A staple tactic of the underhanded undertaker is to coax you into wasting thousands of dollars on extravagant options by labeling them "traditional." After someone close to you has passed away, you will be very susceptible to such suggestions, but don't be fooled. Besides, if your late father was a button-down insurance adjuster who thought the watch you bought for him at Sears was "too flashy", will you really be honoring his memory by showering his casket in six "traditional" kinds of flowers?

Many cost-effective alternatives to conventional funeral services exist, so don't be afraid to inquire about them, as much as your funeral director won't want you to. Embalming is a pricy but not a necessary process, especially if you intend to cremate or immediately bury the deceased, but even if you don't, refrigeration is a viable alternative, so ask about it. You can save thousands of dollars by purchasing a casket from a third party, and though you'll have to do so over the strenuous objections of the funeral director, he can't stop you. Cremations are rapidly increasing in popularity for many reasons, not the least of which is that they can cost just a third or even a fifth of traditional burial. So-called "green cemeteries" forbid embalming, metal caskets, and concrete vaults, and a compliant funeral will be "green friendly" to the earth and your wallet alike.

Finally, as selfless and prudent as it is to plan ahead for your own passing and help defray the cost for your loved ones, prepayment options are rife with dangers. If you prepay with a funeral home and it goes out of business, you and your family might not be able to get all of your money back. You might think insurance is a more sensible alternative, then; we've all seen those commercials that air on late-night cable with that guy from M*A*S*H: "Money your family needs...for when the time comes." Unfortunately, you may end up paying twice as much in insurance premiums as your family will for a funeral if (Heaven forbid) you live too long, and with today's soaring life expectancy rates, that's hardly an unthinkable prospect. Talk to your lawyer or your financial planner and ask about setting aside funeral expenses for your family without an insurance policy.

Just Because You Were Curious

Funeral directors, at least as they are known today, are a recent development. Up until just a few generations ago, the final needs of the deceased were taken care of by his family, and he was laid out for visitation in his own home. With the twentieth-century explosion of the funeral industry, boosted by skyrocketing premiums on convenience and cleanliness, Americans have since developed an aversion to corpses, even—and, perhaps, especially—of their own loved ones.

Recently, however, the long-forsaken home funerals of yore have been gaining popularity again, partly because of fashionable "back to nature" values, and partly as a response to the exploitive tactics of the funeral industry detailed above. Choosing a home funeral over a conventional one can save you and your family thousands of dollars, but one major obstacle to home funerals is common legislation that actually requires hiring a funeral director. This varies from state to state, however, so you'll have to do the research before you plan your do-it-yourself ceremony. Home funerals are difficult to coordinate, but the off-setting advantages are obvious: you oversee every detail from beginning to end; you can personalize it to the fullest extent of your imagination and you don't have to choose between the three or four formula funerals the local parlor offers; and the family and friends of the deceased can pay their final respects as long as they wish, without fear of intrusion from outsiders or interference from a coarse funeral director who checks his Rolex every few seconds. Indeed, maybe this is exactly what someone who was that special to you deserves.

Posted by admin on 07/05 at 02:41 PM

1 Comment

This was a great read!! 90% of what was written in this article happened to my family when my brother passed (killed in an automobile accident in 2005). We ended up spending over $20,000 (CASH) on his funeral! I wish that I had read this article some years ago; I would have indeed been a lot more knowledgable of how to handle a funeral(s)!! It is sad to know you have to be on your p's and q's at all times. . .even in the time of sorrow! Thank you so much for the information. Is it okay if I print this and transfer it into my town's local newspaper? Thanks again for taking the time to write such an informative article.

Posted by LaTisha Rudd on 12/06 at 11:54 AM

Page 1 of 1

Sponsors

Search

Categories

Site Information

Affiliates

Archives

Meta

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Funeral Directors: The Morbid Truth

1 Comment

Post a Comment